“My idea of God is not a divine idea. It has to be shattered time after time. He shatters it Himself.”- Clive Staples Lewis: A Grief Observed.
Ever have that feeling that tells you, "Man, God. You sure have done some great work with me and in me."? Yeah, unfortunately so have I. Not that it's wrong to praise God for what He's done, especially when He's chosen to do His work through such a broken vessel as you or I. But that's not what I'm saying. It's easy to read that sentence a number of different ways, make it sound like such a beautiful sentiment. But sometimes the heart behind such a statement really lies in the self, and not in God. He politely (as He is always such a gentleman) reminded that such a praise does not ever lie in the self of the admirer, but the Admired. He politely reminded me of what He has yet left to do in me.
In India, time moves at a different pace than anywhere else I have ever been. Things don't matter here, matter a lot there. 10 o'clock means see you at 11. "Be ready at 1:30" means"why aren't you ready yet?" at 1. It's been an interesting challenge to say the least. I consider myself an already very flexible person, and would say that most would agree. Praise God that He has wired me in such a way, as it's allowed me to be able to take most that has come my way thus far. But that isn't to say that there aren't times that it isn't easy. There certainly are times where the "American" comes out in me, and I just want to yell that we haven't left yet, when we were supposed to two hours ago! I had such an experience, or should I say a series of experiences, in the past few weeks.
It began on a trip to a village with my Pastor and host here in India on January 30. He had mentioned briefly earlier that day that he was planning on sending me to a village for a "few days" and that I would leave that night. I asked what a few days meant (as mentioned earlier, timing doesn't mean exactly what it claims lol) and he said four. Okay, I say. I can do that. Four days in a village living with a man who barely speaks any English, and I even less Telugu. Sure, why not? This will be an experience of a lifetime! As the day went on, we talked about two more times, each time that timetable slowly growing longer, never even mentioning the previous amount, as if we had yet to talk about how long I'd actually be gone. So, I decided I needed to bring it up in the car ride out to a village program so we could finally set in stone the details, face to face. We had only really talked on the phone so far.
"Well," he began, "I'm not sure how long you'll be there. You might come back on the 8th (of February), you might come back on the 10th. I'm not really sure what Madhu (the man I'd be living with, a pastor here) has planned for you. But he's really excited to have you! It's going to be a great experience for you!" And that was that. I was set to leave at midnight that night to a village with a man I'd met twice before, live with him for an uncertain amount of time (even to the head Pastor here), and doing who knows what? All I knew is that I'd be helping him (Madhu) with church construction of some kind. "Oh yeah," apparently that wasn't yet that, "and when Madhu's done with you, you're going to go live for a couple days with another pastor and visit a couple of new villages. I want you to study and write about the people in those villages, so we can tell people about them." "Does he speak English?" "Nope."
I think at this point you can imagine how I felt that night packing for this extremely vague and uncertain trip. Unrest would be the tip of what I felt. Frustrations and doubt crept in at every dark corner of my heart, laying seed that rooted faster than I realized. I was genuinely excited to go in a lot of ways. I mean, I was going to be living in a village. In India. For a week, week and a half. I would have the challenge of barely speaking verbally, while loving on people. This is literally why I came, and how I've asked God to use me since this trip was laid on my heart. And yet the sinful part of me was so not ready for the trip that awaited me.
"My idea of God is not a divine idea. It has to be shattered time after time. He shatters it Himself." While there, a small sniffle turned into an all out cold, and I found myself in and out of sickness for nearly a week. Amidst the time I wasn't resting, however, I was able to help build the floor to a village church, and then paint it. This was the church construction I was told about. I was able to pray over people, families of the churches in villages around where I was staying. I was even able to preach in a pretty large Telugu Baptist church in the village I living in. And yet, I found myself still wrestling with frustration and bitterness at being there. One day, I found myself in prayer saying to God, "LORD, what the heck am I doing here? Why do you have me here? I know you have something for me, something to teach me. But all I see right now is the frustration right in front of me. I can't see what You're doing. I don't know what You want from me." And then it hit me. Like a sack of rocks, God spoke gently, "Exactly." And in that little whisper of great wisdom, God, as He does, spoke so much more than that one word. Exactly, Joel. That's My point. You are so caught up in what you're trying to do, you're not letting Me do it. You're trying so hard to see instead of letting Me show you. You have come a long, long way my son. But boy do you have so far to go.
God reminded me again that my prayer should have a lot less "I's and me's" in it and a lot more of Him instead. He reminded me to listen. He reminded me to wait. To wait on Him. To wait in Him. To wait for Him. He's not done with me yet. I have so much selfishness, so much bitterness, so much self-seeking will left in my heart that He is chipping away at. And He reminded me that yes, God has done a great work with me and in me. But boy does He have so much more for me than this. And to think, all it took was sending me to a remote village in India with nothing familiar around me, not even my own language, to teach me that. To teach me that there is so much left for me to learn. And I am once again ready to stop thanking Him in just my words, but in my heart and actions as well.
LORD, You are so good and wonderful. You are the only One worthy of our praise, worthy to be thanked. I thank you, Lord. God I pray that You would not stop with me. Keep doing Your good work in me that I would continue to see my great need for you. Let me never lose sight of Your holiness and righteousness. Let me never lose sight of Your hand that is preparing me for so much more than what I already have been given. Thank You for what You've already given me. God, I pray that You would illuminate the path that is in front of me, in Jesus Name. I pray that if it is only enough for me to see the next step ahead, that it would be enough to follow, in faith and love, God. Give me the faith to follow You. And let me never grow tired of You doing Your work in me. Let me never ask you to take a break, or give excuse as if You work were finished in me. Let me instead open my arms wide and receive Your grace abundantly, and all that comes with it. The joy and peace, and the growing pains of sanctifying this wicked heart. Thank You, Lord, for all the incredible blessings that You've given me here in India. I pray that You would open my eyes to see all that You've done, that You're doing, and all that You have left for me here. I thank You and love You, God. In Jesus' holy and precious and beautiful Name I pray. Amen.
Ever have that feeling that tells you, "Man, God. You sure have done some great work with me and in me."? Yeah, unfortunately so have I. Not that it's wrong to praise God for what He's done, especially when He's chosen to do His work through such a broken vessel as you or I. But that's not what I'm saying. It's easy to read that sentence a number of different ways, make it sound like such a beautiful sentiment. But sometimes the heart behind such a statement really lies in the self, and not in God. He politely (as He is always such a gentleman) reminded that such a praise does not ever lie in the self of the admirer, but the Admired. He politely reminded me of what He has yet left to do in me.
In India, time moves at a different pace than anywhere else I have ever been. Things don't matter here, matter a lot there. 10 o'clock means see you at 11. "Be ready at 1:30" means"why aren't you ready yet?" at 1. It's been an interesting challenge to say the least. I consider myself an already very flexible person, and would say that most would agree. Praise God that He has wired me in such a way, as it's allowed me to be able to take most that has come my way thus far. But that isn't to say that there aren't times that it isn't easy. There certainly are times where the "American" comes out in me, and I just want to yell that we haven't left yet, when we were supposed to two hours ago! I had such an experience, or should I say a series of experiences, in the past few weeks.
It began on a trip to a village with my Pastor and host here in India on January 30. He had mentioned briefly earlier that day that he was planning on sending me to a village for a "few days" and that I would leave that night. I asked what a few days meant (as mentioned earlier, timing doesn't mean exactly what it claims lol) and he said four. Okay, I say. I can do that. Four days in a village living with a man who barely speaks any English, and I even less Telugu. Sure, why not? This will be an experience of a lifetime! As the day went on, we talked about two more times, each time that timetable slowly growing longer, never even mentioning the previous amount, as if we had yet to talk about how long I'd actually be gone. So, I decided I needed to bring it up in the car ride out to a village program so we could finally set in stone the details, face to face. We had only really talked on the phone so far.
"Well," he began, "I'm not sure how long you'll be there. You might come back on the 8th (of February), you might come back on the 10th. I'm not really sure what Madhu (the man I'd be living with, a pastor here) has planned for you. But he's really excited to have you! It's going to be a great experience for you!" And that was that. I was set to leave at midnight that night to a village with a man I'd met twice before, live with him for an uncertain amount of time (even to the head Pastor here), and doing who knows what? All I knew is that I'd be helping him (Madhu) with church construction of some kind. "Oh yeah," apparently that wasn't yet that, "and when Madhu's done with you, you're going to go live for a couple days with another pastor and visit a couple of new villages. I want you to study and write about the people in those villages, so we can tell people about them." "Does he speak English?" "Nope."
I think at this point you can imagine how I felt that night packing for this extremely vague and uncertain trip. Unrest would be the tip of what I felt. Frustrations and doubt crept in at every dark corner of my heart, laying seed that rooted faster than I realized. I was genuinely excited to go in a lot of ways. I mean, I was going to be living in a village. In India. For a week, week and a half. I would have the challenge of barely speaking verbally, while loving on people. This is literally why I came, and how I've asked God to use me since this trip was laid on my heart. And yet the sinful part of me was so not ready for the trip that awaited me.
"My idea of God is not a divine idea. It has to be shattered time after time. He shatters it Himself." While there, a small sniffle turned into an all out cold, and I found myself in and out of sickness for nearly a week. Amidst the time I wasn't resting, however, I was able to help build the floor to a village church, and then paint it. This was the church construction I was told about. I was able to pray over people, families of the churches in villages around where I was staying. I was even able to preach in a pretty large Telugu Baptist church in the village I living in. And yet, I found myself still wrestling with frustration and bitterness at being there. One day, I found myself in prayer saying to God, "LORD, what the heck am I doing here? Why do you have me here? I know you have something for me, something to teach me. But all I see right now is the frustration right in front of me. I can't see what You're doing. I don't know what You want from me." And then it hit me. Like a sack of rocks, God spoke gently, "Exactly." And in that little whisper of great wisdom, God, as He does, spoke so much more than that one word. Exactly, Joel. That's My point. You are so caught up in what you're trying to do, you're not letting Me do it. You're trying so hard to see instead of letting Me show you. You have come a long, long way my son. But boy do you have so far to go.
God reminded me again that my prayer should have a lot less "I's and me's" in it and a lot more of Him instead. He reminded me to listen. He reminded me to wait. To wait on Him. To wait in Him. To wait for Him. He's not done with me yet. I have so much selfishness, so much bitterness, so much self-seeking will left in my heart that He is chipping away at. And He reminded me that yes, God has done a great work with me and in me. But boy does He have so much more for me than this. And to think, all it took was sending me to a remote village in India with nothing familiar around me, not even my own language, to teach me that. To teach me that there is so much left for me to learn. And I am once again ready to stop thanking Him in just my words, but in my heart and actions as well.
LORD, You are so good and wonderful. You are the only One worthy of our praise, worthy to be thanked. I thank you, Lord. God I pray that You would not stop with me. Keep doing Your good work in me that I would continue to see my great need for you. Let me never lose sight of Your holiness and righteousness. Let me never lose sight of Your hand that is preparing me for so much more than what I already have been given. Thank You for what You've already given me. God, I pray that You would illuminate the path that is in front of me, in Jesus Name. I pray that if it is only enough for me to see the next step ahead, that it would be enough to follow, in faith and love, God. Give me the faith to follow You. And let me never grow tired of You doing Your work in me. Let me never ask you to take a break, or give excuse as if You work were finished in me. Let me instead open my arms wide and receive Your grace abundantly, and all that comes with it. The joy and peace, and the growing pains of sanctifying this wicked heart. Thank You, Lord, for all the incredible blessings that You've given me here in India. I pray that You would open my eyes to see all that You've done, that You're doing, and all that You have left for me here. I thank You and love You, God. In Jesus' holy and precious and beautiful Name I pray. Amen.
Thank your for recording your journey in such beautiful words. Sorry to hear you were sick - having a cold in India is no fun. Your revelations are in inspiring to me. See you in 10 days!
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